naughty or 'nice

oh well. did you catch that? if you did, sms me. i hope few ppl do. otherwise big publicity hoohaa.

anyway, how come its when i go out that sam and chums end up at my house? or is it coincidence. i dunno. should have found time to bum with them. but sigh, no time. or, dun have the right slot. too bad la.

my bass strings sound all weird. they sound really good, but they buzz like bees. either i have to change my technique to suit the strings, or i could wait till the strings season out and become less bright. i dunno la.

and how come ppl assume i have a girlfriend? or ask for sake of asking? haha. i dunno. haha, not blaming chris or anything, but it was so weird! like im supposed to have like that. haha. anyway, its quite late, ya, but im just like taking this time to dl a hl2dm map... so ya, will be logging off soon...

i mean now... haha >>

27-12-04

gordon freeman

im gordon freemaning. recently persuaded male parent to indulge male offspring by buying game for christmas. yeah, halflife2, the original, is in my hands. well, not physically, i mean. its in my com, tho. and its really fun. and scary. cos i had nightmares the first time i played it. cs: source is also fun, tho i still cant get a decent frag ratio.

well, this is all talk to distract myself. so many things happening now... i think its going to be quite confusing for me. and so i retreat into the virtual world of gordon and his aliens. as well as perpetual counterterrorism.

i had i dream last night. and i dreamt of getting my cert back. i think it classifies as a nightmare, because it showed a BDD A2. which is like, suicide. everything. i seriously seriously hope i do better than that.

and there are so many things happening in church, and also with my school friends... went to catch up with my school friends yesterday. weird, like i cant talk to them anymore. and also, i cant have fun with them anymore... i didnt join them for soccer today, and my ankle was only an excuse.

in church? dunno. some bad news that tore my ear off. altho there are redeeming things. like my cousin wanting to go to church again. and all that. thanks, clara, janice, and chelsea, as well as other assorted ppl, for being such good friends to min, cos i cant really talk to her leh. ya. thanks. *hugz*

anyway, chris bugs me to update this. so here it is. haha. thank her, because i otherwise would have just gone to sleep. instead of updating this. and i just found her online! no, wait, she found me... whoops. anyway, its 1, so yeah. going to sleep. going to east coast tomorrow, of all places, because clara asked me to. hrmmm, ya. >>

22-12-04

grumpy

grouchy. had a whole day out. and i mean whole day. all my waking hours except washing up and getting ready. waking up at 12 doesnt change a thing. zzz. i was supposed to meet ps and mh at orchard, at 12. so i woke up already late. i rarely do, really. i usually wake up early and doodle till im late. dont quote me on that, i have bad rep as is. and for all my efforts, i only bought 2 presents today. sian.

val refuses to come online to comfort grumpy friend. i start the 48-hour no-reply clock.

well, you may ask, why am i so grumpy? usually going out doesnt make me grumpy as is, but today's nominally different. had to rush down to bishan from church in a cab and back, just to pick up the bass di i so carelessly left there a few days back. i didnt even notice i left it there (which is like, the reason why its there, duh). yeah. a very expensive mistake, about 17 bucks. and i ended up late for practice even tho i got there early. which was becos of another cab ride, 9 bucks. so in all, a lot of wasted money.

and practice itself was quite bad. other than the fact that many of the musicians really detest playing christmas carols, it really sounded damn messy and everyone was pissing each other off. even can see the frustration on the usually ice-faced minxian. and jon was just being a pain, nothing constructive to say, still say quite a bit. thats how he is, but its quite crap la.

anyway, i wonder why, the only saving grace of today is chris patting me on the back and telling me to chill. im starting to really like her man! not in that way, of course. (now every time need to add disclaimer cos ppl keep reading things the wrong way... right, chris? :p)

oh well. tomolo meeting vonne! whoo hoo hoo. (disclaimer) >>

21-12-04

kiddie fever

back from camp. had a few other things too, back to back and all, so i couldnt blog... yeah right, i was just lazy, ok, and i also had to settle some stuff with has.it cos i believe it went out of business and took ehque.says.it down with it. yeah. so if youre reading this, relink your links and favourites and blogs to ehque.blogspot.com. i assure you ill be around for a while at this name.

camp was way fun. janice is damn funny, 'dine too. cute too. too bad, too young. this even i will admit. so we had fun. yes... cant think of anything else to say about the camp. speaker was fantastic. food was okish goodish, rooming was suberb, allocation of rooms was lousy. haha. i ended up in a block all by myself. we overbooked, you see. oh yah, and tongie... thanks for your... confidence in me.

anyway, this night and last night were really crazy... last night i was at bishan praccing for the nurses party... and when aunt bel tried to send me home we got lost... (ok, it was very late and we missed the expressway exit) and we ended up in boonlay, so they decided that i should stay over at their place... haha... introduced chris to my blog, and she was all gina gina at the meeting tonight. damn funny. and she also read about herself! which is way cool, because i really like her and it shows when i write... mmm. she now knows me too well. scary.

just now, christmas party at matts. food was *fantastic*. campany was *fantastic*. just wish the group leaders had been invited too. haha. more ppl, the merrier, i think, and its not only because janice will be there, ya. oh no, im going nuts already. save me. >>

14-12-04

mortality

is a very interesting prospect, and something i am none to comfortable to deal with. what got me all started on this thread was the visit to the chiropractor to treat the ankle injury which has been so bothering me so. its been two months and the swelling hasnt gone down yet, so i guessed there was something fishy and decided to go check it out. besides, it was free. got a coupon from somewhere. my aunt, i think.

anyway, the guy said that if i didnt do something about this ankle of mine, id be hobbling around when i am... *pregnant pause*... id expected him to say something like 40 or even 50, like the usual age these kind of things cropped up. he said, "27". wow. hobbling at 27. frightful. extensive ligament damage was the exact words he used.... maybe scaring me back for another session where i *will* need to pay. anyway i got it treated and have to go back for more ?physio? (or is that a sports only term? um... ok, it was a sports related injury anyway. physio.) he straightened out the bones in my foot, but said the ligaments will take longer. yup. got to go back.

got reminded that like everything else in this world, some things more than other things, i am mortal.

which is quite frightening really. like ling low (zero floor?) the show now on channel i. when mortality strikes you with its ugly club, that is the crunch man. that really is.

but dont worry, i dont think im going to die so soon. i hope. who knows?

camp tomorrow. cheryl, juls, 'nice and 'dine in my group. im going to have to pinch myself pretty often. >>

12-12-04

duality

is overated. multiality is a much better prospect, but requires more open-mindedness... something our society is not willing to free up... of course, multiality has its problems. many problems in fact. but it makes a lot of sense when you cant find someone to dual with.

my modem's caught the jitters again, so this post could be up late.

anyway, church was fun. "daniel who's your girlfriend" would be the catchphrase for the day. she looked quite good from the stage, but its daniel... mmm, should be expected la. went out today after church. weird, oldest guy around. at least i didnt feel out of place.

oh well, busy busy busy. may not have time to come here soon... camp's coming up and all. and i need to climb my stairs. and swim. gah. the clock ticks while my butt warms this old swivel chair... >>

11-12-04

hookachaka

mmm. do you smell the air? something new? fresh? its ehque.says.it, *back up and running*! whoo. scream with me! *whoo*! yeah thats the way.

and yeah. "what took you so long?" i hear you say. other than a little yellow box some of you would have already gotten sick of popping up every time you log in for an update on yours truly, and the As that is finally finally long over, the *main* reason why there is a spider building its web in the corner there and everything is dusty and yucky, is inertia. yes, inertia.

now im not going into a physics lesson here, but hey, thats it. ive spent so long away from ehque.says.it that it just went on, and on, and on, like a broken record, even tho the As were over a good, what, 2 weeks ago? mmm. doesnt feel like 2 weeks. feels more like a month, non? hahaha. its been a 3 months since the last time i paid penance here. and boy was it a hazy 3 months.

things tend to be hazy when they pass by quickly, fyi.

yeah. so im not even going to bother going thru the As. it was good, and ill leave it as that. when i feel moody and all next year, closer to when the results are released, then ill brood. now's not the time. and i cant remember the details of them anyway. just read and remember that i worked harder for my Os. so if i flop, here's my disclaimer already typed out and signed.

oh well... so where do i start? my neck's screaming, for one, because of the cool day we spent at sentosa yesterday. ok, cool, as in figuratively, because the weather was anything but. it was hot, as in blazing, in the afternoon. but the weather panned smoothly into a cool evening with no rain at all. which is quite a surprise if you know singapore weather, or specifically singapore weather when you are trying to have an outdoor outing. anyway, eugene, yongda, weiqin, linus, raz, pohsuan, yeeteng, weizhen, becky, yushan and joanna made good sentosa buddies. some more than others, but im cool.

now that im not in the sun, that is.

shu wasnt there...

oh well, slightly further back... watch concert with 'vonne. she's damn cute. and i was late. this is for me to remember, so i wont be typing much. she'll never let me hear the end of it. it was my fault anyway, overslept after the tiring after grad activities.

slightly further back, logically, would be grad night. mmm, nothing much here. i think the LAST thing i will forget about grad night and associated activities is waiting for pohsuan to sleep so i could see the ice queen face melt. as it was, i have a weaker constitution than her, so i fell asleep before her and woke up later than her. ok, im a loser. haha.

shu wasnt there...

yeah, i miss shu. quite a bit, but dunno when we will see each other again. i mean, its not like i have a lot of time, and then we'll be on such separate paths meeting again will be coincidence more than planning. and frankly thats not they way i want this to pass. hopefully eugene feels something prick him so that he organises something again. the sentosa outing wasnt *that* bad a flop...

further back? is there anything? not really if youre looking at post-a activity. just a lot of swimmin' and having fun. yeah. but nothing to write home to mom about.

yeahz. i quess i typed enough? >>

20-9-04

empty mind suits an empty heart

the less you think, the less you feel.

therefore, think less, feel less, and be hurtless. and an utter idiot, but hey, idiots live longer. longer, meaningless lives. muahaha.

im torn between 1 and 1. quite an interesting place to be torn between. well, guess have to learn to survive this, otherwise adulthood will be a bit of a problem. as you may or may not be able to tell, this problem arises from my eyes not being able to see blue. its true! not now anyway.

again, i think im thinking too much. id rather be slightly dull(er). and obviously you have absolutely no idea what im talking about. but that... was... the... point, see? >>

17-9-04

blue

ba-da-blue. orange, and black. kinda sick to think of it this way. you have absolutely no idea what im referring to. >>

16-9-04

10

vaugh. someone said something today that led to introspection, non?

i think 10 is a nice number. >>

14-9-04

hot water

water so hot core body temperature rises to 38 degrees, pulserate jumps to 100+ and skin flushes red. thats the water that i love to soak in. tho it makes me really sleepy.

so sleepy, in fact, that i slept at 9 yesterday. and overslept today. whole family overslept, which really shows how much we depend on mom to get us up and out of the house in the morning.

anyway dad fetched me to school today lah, otherwise i would be late for important paper. quiet ride, quite unlike the usual.

and the paper was tough. chem paper 3, i think. the essay one. 10 questions, i left 2 blank and there are another 2 i have absolutely no confidence in what i wrote. i think i can confidently say i am dead. ironic this is the only thing im confident about at this eleventh hour.

anyway, i am back to my first love.

third, actually.>>

10-9-04

insanity

well, ok, thats quite normal. but to be blogging now, that is true insanity.

whoops. i hear my dad. >>

4-9-04

a rose

in memory of those who died in the russian mess-up. i mean, what the hell, armed volunteers watching a school where hostages are being held? youre asking for trouble. and trouble we got. 340 dead. many wounded.

oh well, reading the news of the world, you almost can hear the hooves of the horses of the apocalypse. or is it the hooves of the horses of the knights of the apocalypse? or is that too long. think it is. hurricanes, terrorists, china and taiwan, russia and chechnya. screw it all man. cant we have some peace and quiet, like, all over the world?

had a nice tea for sam's farewell party (well, sort of) yesterday. mx, joyce, cheryl, mel, tim, sam and me. we had a good time, um, eating like tiramisu and irish cream mudpies. food was good, friends were good. yeah. good time. cheryl looks better every time i see her. even ben said so. lol, which is quite interesting.

needing to spend more time on my work and less time online? thats what my dad says. i think i just need to spend more time on my work. i spent a phenomenal amount of time just walking about and lazing away today. even tho i managed to complete my exercise program, i did like nearly nothing academic. and definitely nothing related to the big a's. heck, i even nearly finished reading my brother's first aid manual, and i think there are a good 400 pages of stuff there. see my unfocusedness?

i am so finished. as in finished finished. >>

1-9-04

blogging in the morning

on teachers' day. what a fine day to be blogging. the weather's great, my parents are out and my bro is fast asleep. some real peace at last, i can think of few things better to be doing now.

just finished my bronze-to-silver program yesterday, with the last training being a 12km run and assorted upper body exercises. finally, i am silver. finally, i dont have to go and run all over singapore anymore. my legs are aching like... ache-machines.

yesterday also went back to ri. yes, after the run. met a few teachers, tho a lot of the lot have gone elsewhere. seeking greener pastures maybe. just heard that geejiawoei went back to the big moe too. join ms heng. lol.

and there's rumours that ms heng has a boyfriend liao. lol. thats going to be pretty cool. maybe our class really should spend sometime together after the prelims/big a's. the "reunion" at ri yesterday was quite short in number, a lot of 4lians were not there. daryl being a notable example.

*cough*

oh yah. on monday night that thing was quite awkward, wasnt it. dajie smsed me to... ¿apologize? for running off. i didnt really blame her for going off, thot it was pretty normal after what she's been thru, but then the sms was pretty weird cos the last time i got an sms from her, unprovoked, was like, forever ago.

oh well. and i blew it too.

just saw on the news last night that susilo proposed to jiawei and they are getting married. im a pro man. was saying that would happen on thursday, when susilo came back and said he had a surprise for jiawei on her return. oh well, thats going to be that. >>

24-8-04

die at the hand of my mind

i killed people today. in my mind. they really pissed me off.

anyway, dad's out drinking with his pals so i can finally get some respite from his sighs and complaints and pissy attitudes when im using the computer. which is now. its been a tiring few days away from the com and its just great to be back.

of course, the prelims ARE around the corner and even tho i like it very much, my dad will find ways and means to get me off the com, so i may not be blogging much. ill try tho, so you can come less often these few weeks and stop sending my counter all over the place.

haha. kidding. go on, send my counter all over the place. just dont muck around with the tag-board. lol.

anyway, had a really bad sinus problem yesterday. nose running marathon. felt like shit but amazingly didnt pon school today. and wont pon school tomorrow either. not that i can, of course. have to turn up for the maths revision lectures so i actually know what is in the syllabus and what is not. really need some catching up to do in maths, thot i was going to pass the recent complex numbers test but failed due to a massive series of careless mistakes. so i think i will need some work there.

anyway, going to school to get that silver seems to be a great incentive for going to school. they will bump me up if i complete 5 days of training. wanna see how tough the training is. quite clownish of me to actually have to go for the training in the first place, considering 13 seconds is quite easy to shave off.

just blew up today at my brother and my mom. and my dad, but he wasnt around. was really pissed that my dad keeps asking me to study and get off the com even tho i make it a point to study before i use the com. but of course he doesnt see that. i can study for 2 hours and he doesnt see, use the com for 5 mins and he gets all pissy.

i think anger is building up in me again. ill need to address that before someone really gets hurt. and it might not even be the people i hate only. i pity whoever the last straw is. and then of course, ill pity myself, but who cares about little things like that. luckily i let off a little steam today. at the expense of my mom, but we made up already. i hope my dad will know not to jump on thin ice.

on seperate note, guitar chords for christian songs at www.guitar4christ.com is fantastically good. tabs can be set to any key! which means no tiring chord by chord transpositions anymore. just set the key, and off you go. perfect.

another guitar related paragraph, my favourite chord is now Fmaj7#add11. its sort of a F with the 2B and 1E strings open. (barre F without the barre). it goes with G6 and Aadd9, which is the same chord 2 frets and 4 frets higher respectively.

in other recent news, the women's marathon olympic champion in athens is a japanese who bears more than a passing resemblance to honlyn. altho i always thot honlyn looked slightly jap, this is really quite interesting. minus the fact that they both run. really fast.

honlyn is better looking, tho.

jiawei's going to be returning this tuesday. dunno if i can catch her, dunno what time her flight is. want to go and cheer her on. and give her a bigger welcome than susilo got. lol.

im not exactly sure what i wanted to blog about now that im at the com. its quite weird cos i really fought hard to get to use the com now, brother was a procrastinating ass who "really" had to use the com today to finish a project given 6 months ago.

as due to reasons above, the work on the pre-blog journal has also been temporarily suspended. i cant even find time to properly blog, cant really type and transcribe my journal also. so till then, ta-ta.

still missing the smile on your face. dont reserve it for the old me, cos he is dead.  >>

 20-8-04

i still like you

thanks for not ignoring me. or acting like you care. >>

15-8-04

i didnt blog yesterday?

oh, of course i didnt. i reached home today, and i was well drunk. and my dad was up. to no good.

heeh. anyway the comm dinner was yesterday. fun, hilarious drunken fun. thot i wasnt drunk. but everyone thot i was lah. cos i drank so much. anyway had a lot of fun with huilin and davina.

today was quite tough, feel asleep in church. and da jie replied liao. so im feeling quite ok now. >>

13-8-04

rays of the sun, avoid my path

i prefer to jump into darkness, and trip over rocks

on a side note, youngsters are tagging me. da jie, you cant not be online at this time right. msg me lah. you promised not to act differently. >>

12-8-04

im alright

yeah, sort of. as in, im more alright than yesterday. yesterday i was drunk, now im in denial. according to the 7 steps of suffering (is that what they call it) i have 5 steps or so left to go. and if i go through them at current rate ill be right as rain in a week or so.

altho im not sure if being right as rain is really what i want. i want to be galvanized into action. pricked into action. yes, thats the way i want to go.

and i really meant what i said that day, even tho you may not believe it. or even if you really dont want to believe it. now im not sure of what im supposed to do, cos you really didnt answer me. anyway, waiting for your answer. yes, is it a no chance situation, or is it a got chance but its not the right time situation. i dont want to make up that decision for you, and of course ill respect whatever decision you make. take your time.

on a separate note, mr goh steps down as prime minister of singapore after serving our country a glorious 14 years. i really respect mr goh, and i dont really like his replacement. however, im going by looks only, of course. he may become the pm that everyone loves, of course. but for now, he's walking with a big reputation, that of his father, and maybe it galls me how easily he made it up there. >>

10-8-04

wtf was i thinking

hrmmm. my point is, im not even sure i have one.

burned my finger. literally. cant play guitar/piano/bass for a while. >>

9-8-04

novaworks

are fireworks that go off in rings instead of the traditional spheres. they also look like something out of a space-based computer game = looking very cool!

national day parade was rather screwy, dunno why they had to redo all the songs in such a weird way that i sort of couldnt sing along even if i wanted to. i like jazz, and i like pop more than cheesy patriotic nonsense, but i learned how to sing those songs a certain way, and ive grown attached to that. i dont really need this (acs?) punk grooving it up like this, i can get my pop/rock/jazz fix elsewhere...

anyway, on to more important stuff, right?

anyway, i dont know how to type this here, cos someone whom id rather tell in person actually reads this blog. oh well. i guess its sooner or later (and if later i may just blow up from the internal pressure). there's this junior...

im look forward to school because of this. im happier in school because of the off chance that i may bump into her. and thats quite often too. and the future's clear as mud, even to my "extreme" vision (used to describe 1303 football tactics when we overpredict opponent movements) going to tell her, soon, unless she/(you) reads this first. then of course, you can sms me.

enough said. lol. on a separate note, i just found a long lost journal documenting my sec 3 july to early sec 4 period. in classic ehqueian ingenuousity i refused to date the entires of that journal. so now, even when i read it, i have little or no recollection of that era. anyway, suffice to say, it nearly fits in with the beginning of my blog, or sort of. anyway, its going up when i finally have the time and patience to type it all out. its only 5 entries (what kind of a journal, you say) but i quickly transited into a blog, you see. >>

31-7-04

we all make decisions based on a teetering balance of hormones and misfiring synapses

except when we dont think so, then we definitely do.

ah, what a day. drumming is fun, screwing up while drumming is not. drumming while having ppl watch was really fun, but of course, they knew i screwed up too lah. but it wasnt so bad. i hope it wasnt too obvious. of course, the corrs song turned out much better.

nice way to live, if every day was today. but come to think of it, saturdays usually turn out rather sparkly and heavenly compared to the rest of the week, even if they were normal or sub-normal by human standards. >>

28-7-04

the right thing at the wrong time

is the wrong thing. >>

26-7-04

making singapore a better place

workaholics work and have no children. therefore we make singapore a better place for nobody, or maybe the huge pool of "foreign talent" our government likes to import by the truckload. how kind of us. >>

22-7-04

blood debt

gahz drained of blood is no good feeling and it leaves you feeling like youve always just stood up and it does nothing to help your punctuation too

haha. donated blood today! what a freaky experience, tho id give blood to go for it again. like duh, i have to right. aha! i am lame. or really just plain tired la. came home and pished out for a good 2 hour nap.

huijuan! nice of you to come and catch up with me while i was still adapting to lower blood content. :P youre still one of my favourite juniors ya!

i need to catch up with my work. nordin is done with raz. its my turn. i better buck up. shape up, and start running. not today tho, very tired. >>

20-7-04

worship of the sun

as you may have realized, i finally put in some effort in improving the site. now looks much more professional, but the 2 contrasting sunsets will need some tinkering with. suffice to say, the code is wholly stolen, and you can find the original blog and design at http://singingstars.diaryland.com/, where xueting's blog currently resides. notice the simliarities? but for our joint info, ive been using sunsets long before her. also, the sunset behind these words you are straining to read is actually rendered on computer by a program called terragen. ive said this before and ill say it again, terragen rocks.

today damned shacked out from practice at church. had bad headache too. but something really boosted me up. chris is really really really nice. too bad circumstances would have it this way. i would love to have known her better better. tho i already speak too much. suffice to say, she really shows concern for everyone. as in, even more to me than, say, tim, who is in my class and everything. she's just... psycho (in a fun way) and caring all at the same time. amazing character.

if youre dying to get this sunset or the one before it in 1024X768 resolution (for your desktop), you may contact me online. i also do sunsets (and other settings) on request (mountains, snow, etc.). you will not have to compensate me for my time, but i will own the copyright to whatever material comes out of it. >>

11-7-04

frostbite hurts less than this

fire scars the body. what scars the soul then? something more potent. much more potent? or is the soul just a weak brother of the body, easily scarred? and the spirit then? nothing scars the spirit. except for apathy, and willful disobedience. see, the soul is weakest, non?

the way to a man's heart is through the stomach. (but you can try through the kidneys if your knife is not long enough). the way to a man's soul? is through his heart. break it, and you have your torn soul. therefore avoid letting someone rule over your stomach, for it is the fastest downfall. for if she has your stomach, she has your heart, and then she has your soul. and the pain of death pales in comparison to the pain of a seared soul...

she's ignoring me! or not relying my smses, anyway. and avoiding me too. but i shall not whine. and i shall not divulge details. suffice to say, she is not cooking for me. the above passage was just some sagacious reasoning.

school is returning like the long lost cow. completely unexpected, completely unprepared for, and a huge thing taking up all the space in the house. i already ponned one day. i must strive NOT to falter! i must not. for it is the last leg, and faltering means death. yes, death to all who falter, so says the passage.

paul muad dib. his universe is colliding with mine. i am starting to think things like "the best place to contain moisture is in the body" and i find my lips often parched, even in wet weather. i feel like my skin is dry, and sweating is a waste of water...

btw, church looking good after (during) another spate of renovations. i think the new block is going up soon, just 170 square m of space, but good enough to spread the second level into bigger areas rather than the compartmentalized arrangement of now. i hope. anyway we have a stage, a projector, a proper sound system, something nearly good enough to replace the 3rd level in terms of what it can give us. new drum kit too, i was a step to late to kop the old one. it went to daniel.

but of course the second service has stagnated in size, whereas the chinese service is ballooning... i think we will have to move down soon. and its quite pointless having a second service downstairs if only the youths turn up right? would seem like a repeat prelims.

anyway its not our fault. some adults should have crossed too. too bad it has turned out this way.

mind over matter. fasting is tough. >>

04-7-04

secret secrets

have you wondered how hotmail can afford to offer 1 GB of mail space in response to Gmail? we never thot they would have the resources, or actually bother to acquire the resources to be capable of such a uneconomical move.

but of course, hotmail's master plan shows that i have much to learn of economics and microsoft policy in general. when signing on to hotmail today to read my mail, i was redirected to this non-descript page, "the server is too busy".

like duh, they provided virtual space. (speculation on my part) "space they will never use because they never get so much email anyway, so we wont even need physical drives to handle this", i think. but of course hotmail never had good spam filters, thus the result, busy servers.

i realise i should be taking lessons in business and marketing techniques from the master. i guess the most telling sign is how we continue to use windows even tho there are free versions of software out there which look like windows, work like windows and uses one-tenth the memory. amazing, this microsoft thing.

anyway, back to my life, which is more important than some company no one has heard of. today i smsed her to come out and watch a movie together. but the reply i got was considerably understandable, it ran something like, "watching with my neighbour tomorrow, sorry, you have fun". of course, i should have booked her in advance...

i didnt watch it in the end, ps was too crowded. and before you blast me for going to ps on a sunday afternoon to watch a popular movie and expecting to get tickets, i was at ps to buy some capos and strings, so i dragged the entire gang down. apparently i am going all crazy over the prospect of getting black strings, imagine, black strings on a black guitar...

anyway, back to the topic. i was suddenly drawn into this thought process where i thot neighbour was a euphemism for bf. i was suddenly very stoned, maybe its cos i dont interact with my neighbours much, so i dont expect others to too. but f course, her neighbour can be a girl, right? i think i was way overreacting.

weird the way i didnt reply to that sms immediately then, it was like, i only replied after i reached home and had dinner and everything. wonder why its so difficult to say how i really feel over sms, sometimes i give up trying to phrase the chaos and i put down the phone indefinitely. it should be really annoying the way i reply to smses sometimes nearly instantaneously, sometimes in the middle of the night when the last sms you sent was in the morning. im sorry, you can write that down as one of my little quirks.

and by the way, the pre-ns med-checkup was one of the worst experiences of my life. did it on friday, just to catch the holiday so i wouldnt miss anything (important). suddenly so guai, huh, i hear you cry. >>

03-7-04

wat's that?

that was the reply i got. i think its a problem of having too many things in the sms, the catch phrase, hidden meaning, doesnt get caught, gets too easily avoided. and now more people know already, and you still dont know? i feel like stabbing myself. but there's something more self-protecting than a wall of sand. a wall of reason.

screw reason.

and now its become bugging her instead of having a nice chat. i wonder if it will deteriorate anymore. decay. rot. whatever. i hope not. i still plan on seeing this thru.

its all your (specific, singular) fault i said that in the first place!

but of course, i dont blame you. i blame myself though. its like, different parts of me want different things at one time, and none of them really coincide and none of them are really permanent. i feel like a army of pregnant women with their respective cravings...

on to other things. supposed to go to ryan's church's youth rally today. really should have gone. gina was there. thats the reason. but not the reason that its gina, but i should have been there as an extra friend so that everything turns out less weird for the visitor. i should have. and i was selfish, tired, and very forgetful. i should have remembered it was today. screw it.

sometimes, wish all this typing here would actually help me remember things. but it does. i blame it for no reason if i did not admit that. which is the very reason i blog too... i cant remember anything i dont write/type down, and not even that most of the time. thats bad, or its just plain normal if you know me.

i just went thru my entire blog a few days back, just proofreading it to make sure the recoding of the site didnt misplace any of my posts... and it surprises me how little, and also how much, ive changed. i guess its to be expected. i changed outwardly, but the core, the essence of me still stays the same. or have i allowed my essence to change too? would old chaps from nanyang, nanhua, remember me by my face or by my actions? i think its the face lah, quite proven there already.

considering the way i feel i kept acting like a bastard in the past, i sure hope ive changed. especially from those days in p4... i was a much nicer person in nanhua. what happened?

and now my dad's griping about how ive been using the computer since it was 4 o clock. since its 1153 hrs now, im not surprised if he should gripe. but the fact that i was taking a nap at 4 makes sense to other people, no? i dont think i can multitask like that.

screw that. screw everything. other than this sms which says that gina enjoyed the rally. weird how little things make the world go round. >>

29-6-04

cupid, my mafia hitman

hopefully. wonder what his rates are. you do a clean job, i keep the cops off your back.

i wish. really, i do. its back so school, hitting the papers with a frenzy unholy, and then what? and then what, i ask. why. what happened to everything there and everything i thought was there. and when i spell thought the right way, you know something's gotta be damn wrong. how come i cant break the matrix. not enough energy. not enough communica!

i should have stuck to the fire and thick blanket. at least i know how to express my feelings in smoke. or morse. but in speech? why doesnt it work. the words dont come out. and... and... argh. i dunno. its just not going to be as imagined, i guess. what will?

anyway, just back from GP and maths. chem also over on monday. i think im going to pass this damned test. hopefully. chem was rather dense, lots of topics tested and all, and i missed all the synthesis (didnt have organic down pat and at my fingertips) as well as some periodic table crap that i didnt fully get in. wont hit target of 69, but should be somewhere close. maths was a disaster similar to mcts. i got 40+ that time. this time should be no different. GP will turn out ok, but will lose to val again. compo was bad. didnt have a good question to really throw vocab about. it was really lousy.

but my mind flickers back. and thats the only reason im going to school tomorrow. i dont take econs. she does. i hope she goes to look for me like i asked her to. it could be more interesting. at least more interesting that looking from a distance, smsing, and wishing good luck by shaking hands...

on a completely separate note, the website has been completely recoded. it looks almost the same, but the code behind what you see is completely different. it is leaner, and so faster to download. i also corrected miscellaneous grammatical and spelling mistakes from past year blogs. the larger fonts, as you will notice, also mean that all my blogs will not comfortably fit in this window. when did they, anyway? lol. >>

24-6-04

i am tired of playing single player

and i wasnt talking about a game. please, log into my server, im running "life" right now, and the 1/2 player count is driving me nuts. or is it just the hols? im severely lacking human contact and im nearly becoming a geek to survive this. wait, dont say it.

well it sort of cooled off, the communications, but i guess thats because im just really lazy to pick up the phone and communicate. i think this could be a serious problem, tho im not getting to worried yet, this is the holidays after all, nothing bad can happen, right?

tell that to my sore fingers. anyway, thats for another story. bassing rules! and now that i DONT puncture my blisters as they form, im actually getting calluses! which could help me continue playing the way a play. hurrah to flamenco influences.

im struggling to get any study done. i think i could put in a bit more study, if i just stop blogging, smsing, and msning now. i think i will. dire straits necessitate dire measures.

with the existence of this blog i guess i cannot blog tonight as well. sue me. >>

21-6-04

hrmmm. its late.

too late even to blog. see ya tomorrow. >>

18-6-04

ready to be half instead of one

now just gotta be sure if the other one's ready to be halved too.

well well. what an interesting turn of events, i must say. walking into tjc one and a half years ago, she must have been the lowest on the radar. wayyy lowest. now, she's bleeping like a zeppelin. i wonder how the interesting change of events took place, i certainly had the hand in it but as usual i am led by things out of my control.

as usual, huh.

im watching jiayi run havoc about how sarah brightman is like the best singer in the world. granted, she has a great voice, but this is jiayi! lol. anyway he bought those $100+ tickets to see her today, came back and HAD to tell someone... well. i thot i should have given up being surprised by jiayi already. he's... weird, to say the least.

and im mugging too little, watching too much tv, playing too many games. im so going to die? and the stupid thing is i even look it, that my parents can actually TELL im not studying. last time, i managed to act pretty much occupied. but this time is like i am a wreck, and i look it. and im going to sentosa tomorrow, to top the cake off with mango flavored icing and strawberries.

i hope i dont screw up too badly in the JCTs. >>

13-6-04

you are in my heart too

i wonder if she was expecting it all along, wishing all along or just simply brilliant as to my intentions. im quite... encouraged? exhilarated? maybe confused is the word. anyway, before i go shooting off my mouth here and letting the whole damn world know what im not even sure of and what im sure she doesn't know, im going to keep names as... well... non-names.

anyway, more important (right, who am i kidding, you may say. but really. more important) things first... the church camp was a real... winner. think i may actually climb over the wall that's trapped me for so long. great time of worship, great time of interaction... basically challenged to go the extra mile in pleasing the Lord my God... ive actually started on psalms 2! lol. tho i think this will take more time. it was a great camp...

if not for one thing, i guess...

some fellas seem to think that aster and i have something going on... considering its a church setting and she's way underage, i guess the concern is rather... justified. however, some of the rumours, or so i heard, are not true. (actually, all i heard are not true, but we just learnt hypothesis testing, didnt we). anyway. some of the stuff i heard, i dont see being done at a orgy. (or maybe they weren't so bad). anyway its screwy lah. have her whole gang gathering behind me to show solidarity against this vile phenomenon, but im not sure if i really need that right now. i guess the right thing to do is to stay away?

guitar camp was interesting in its own right. i learnt many new things, like how huilin isnt as leader leader material we thought she was, how yuting is superb leader material, how keemeng is a solid character and how sam's enthusiasm was a bit hollow. i guess the new comm really showed up during the camp? which was the whole point really. i think it was a good job on the part of the comm. we really weeded, didn't we? i think so. sort of like showed who the year ones truly were...

keemeng, chairman. a solid, rather quiet character who leads, possibly, by inspiration. has solid ideas for the club in the following year. his links with the leo club will help foster good relationships, and gain the members CIP hours we so desperately need. before the camp, we sort of had him placed at QM, he resembles chinsiang in mannerism.

yuting, vicechair. solid character. altho she buckled under pressure when seriously outnumbered during the camp, she showed of her meticulous side when working with me and also for the ahs concert. when she held the flag during the hike, the pace increased. leads by motivation. before the camp, we had her in treasurer, or CI, based on past experience.

sandra, secretary. vivacious character. one of the dark horses of this hustings, she showed herself to be outgoing and bubbly during the concert, and i think the group leaders were pretty pleased with her. with her background in secretary work she was quite the obvious choice for secretary/publicist, tho she also did landslide the treasurer post.

minghwee, treasurer. dont know much about her, wasnt my choice. lol. anyway seems like the year ones like her, and the year 2s have no objection, so yeah. another dark horse, probably.

huilin, CI. talkative, may come across as complaining. im sure some bets were on her for chair before the camp. based on past experience. but seems like she didnt flower during the camp. she'd make a great CI tho, thats where we definitely had to have her. natural teacher, seems to like teaching and seems to do it in a way that goes down easy. she was a sure commer before the camp, guess she didnt make chair, thats all.

gina, CI. character, hard to define. surely a bit outgoing. basically one of the year 2 choices... fought against some odds as she was already a alpha sports cap, but she sort of made it. better attitude than the rest, i guess. if she had not been the alpha hc, and her leg not infected during the camp, i was betting on vice chair.

sam, CI. character, outgoing. naturally lame, and very very passionate about guitar. he would probably have made a good chairman as any, but i guess there was someone better. anyway, his attitude towards guitar will help improve the standard of the club, i hope. before the camp, we all had him as our potential chairperson. he reminded everyone of ryan.

kent, CI. noisy fella. positively annoying in the first 3 months, i guess he must have reminded everyone of me. which earns him this post. passionate about guitar, and considerably mellowed, tho not quite, im quite sure he will work well with the new comm. also is a very committed teacher, effective one as well. before the camp, we expected him to end up as CI. tho i expected him to run for chair as well.

im going to type about the rest another day. for one, i cant remember the name of the other QM. comes from calling him saigang too many times... >>

25-5-04

the hottest fires of hell are reserved for those who think they deserve heaven

gahhh. been reading too much asimov. and as you can tell, not spending enough time on my blog.

before you crucify me, however, i have important findings to report, in the vain hope you delay my slaughter... do not turn your computer on with its ram removed, you will fry your motherboard! now, wasnt that helpful? no, you say? still want my head? well, my computer was out of action for the past 2 weeks, in lieu of the fact that i verified the abovementioned statement myself (see where this goes) yes, i burned my graphics card and motherboard 2 weeks back. quite stupid of me, i know.

anyway, lesson learnt. new motherboard used. old graphics card being used while new one is sent to repair. so i can be online. and games refuse to work on the old card, so i guess ill be more attentive over this period. online i mean. i reserve the right to diss you in person. ha.

anyway, was discussing about a class motto in class. and i think ours sucks, yet may really embody who we are, "diversely talented, absolutely sweet-natured" could have thrown in a "humble" to go along with that, but we decided against it. so here we are. however, even tho its really really off, i think there's some truth in it. there's probably nothing my class doesnt have someone good in it. sports - hockey, football, squash, tennis, dah dah dah... music - co, co, viola, cello, guitar, band, band, choir, choir... studies - we got some muggers, some smart people. assorted talents, leadership, computing. a really odd bunch brought together by circumstance.

but we dont really click, huh. guys with guys, girls in 2 cliques, wish it was like what i hear rj is. sad.

anyway, so many things i wanna blog about, just dont know where to start?

i think esther is cute! haha. anyway. and gina got hitched to someone else. and... and... i am not val's bf! and and... i dunno. stupid ahs thing. and guitar torture camp coming up. hope no year ones read this in time.

i wont start. too many boring details. ill get my life sorted out, and get back to you. after all, you didnt come here to hear me rant, did you? haha. >>

02-5-04

pam, pam pam!

pam pam pam pam pam paaam!

if you know what im talking about, youre either very weird, or one of the other 9. notice there is no category for "i told you". and so, you belong in the very weird category, val :D

anyway, that was the opening phrase to eine kleine nachtmusik. or more fondly known as EKN, the signature song of our batch of guitarists. it was well served.

and we should get in. as in, i sacrificed a day at church just to practice for this, simply because we were all too shacked out by the concert to practice on saturday. so yeah. practiced a bit. enough anyway. we will make it. if we dont, the competition is out of the league of most school based clubs. and probably most interest players as well. i shall forever remember the comment by the judge "is thomas your teacher". was that a compliment? potentially.

anyway so ends a week of hell. i mean, of guitar. it was guitar everyday this week except saturday, for reasons abovementioned. and it was tiring. missed 2 days of school. missed ALL my planned swimming. missed... my life. haha. and yet, it was fun. in a... masochistic sort of way. as in, its the same sort of fun some people derive from running a marathon. and for the whole week, cramped fingers, blistered fingertips, bad circulation on the rump, twitching eyes, classical music nightmares...

fun. haha. anyway the concert sort of rocked. i guess. it got good reviews, too bad we didnt get a second night or a matinee show. could have really raked in the profits. which would have gone to the school anyway, but hey, we cant be choosers.

i am officially the performer performing in the most acts! thats 7 songs in the first half, and 5 more songs in the second, for a total of 12. i think hanling and ps draw, with 12. cos of the thing lah. the combination of committee + CI + latin dance. went thru 4 different instruments thru the concert. think some ppl were sick of me already.

anyway. >>

27-4-04

against my better judgment

i am blogging. not that i have good judgment anyway, as proved by today... anyway i am blogging to relieve pain. or is it to relive pain? maybe both. anyway, storage of pain in a bottle is always a good thing.

digging up the past hurts. and i know why the term is called digging now. its painful, numbing, and you usually end up with something ugly and stinky. especially so if people do it to your past. especially so if they do it in your face, especially so if they were the ones you swore to hate. especially those you now really like...

i did. i swore to hate the entire senior exco. for being picky about little things, and trusting in a stable chap rather than a whizz-bang fella raring to make a difference. and for making their point so distinctly. and now, the old wounds are being torn up like a cornfield after harvest. it hurts, and yet i dont know if i should hate.

(to watch me self-rationalize, in retrospect, get to my 19-6-03 blog entry)

i wonder if i should hate peisze, cos i feel she's the only one who thinks that practicing during guitar practice is showing off. and for making her opinion that she thinks im showing off known. i mean, if im supposed to be practicing la cumparsita during a guitar practice, and im playing la cumparsita during guitar practice, albeit well, i wonder how that constitutes showing off. and if i like good music, and i can play it, why stop me, when we arent practicing? but hey, who listens to me man. who even bothered if my opinions were heard or not.

i dont hate you.

i wonder if i should hate ryan, for promising not to run for the prez and making me let down my guard. i wonder if i should hate him for his mediocrity now, when guitar club could have been so much more. so much bigger, so much stronger. he has a weakness. a weakness of practicality.

i dont know about you. maybe i dont too.

i wonder if i should be hating the senior exco for doing what they did. they didnt not only not choose me, they made a damn clear point about it. i dont think thats right. but again, hey, im a nobody. they probably didnt think anything except, "he deserves it". why make me comm when you dont trust me? simply because i play good guitar? but you have destroyed my peers' belief in me.

i dont hate them.

you cant believe how painful today was? even with all the mind-numbing guitar practice i was alert enough to let me anger build. i guess i wasnt alert enough to stop the action, or to smile and turn the whole movement into a joke. im sorry, ps? you just happened to be the last (very unlucky) straw that blew my limit. and its my fault lah. pls dont hold it against me.

other than that, today was ok. gina did pretty well at the hustings, even tho there was a very personal attack on her by some fat girl. wanted to beat that girl up. this was in the morning, of course. if it was after the dinner i WOULD have tracked her down and beat her up. or worse. my anger management skills are very bad, simply because they have no chance to be tested (i rarely get over-the-top angry). anyway, gina was appreciative of my concern, which i lavished after guitar practice. obviously my concern was short-lived, had to go practice top of the world, which is slowly rising past the equator. we could be there soon.

argh, the pain of history. >>

25-4-04

education

education is

concepts force fed when they should be explored

equations analyzed when they should be appreciated

theories treated as fact, when they should be questioned with impunity

knowledge shown off, when it should be learning

innovation quashed, when it should be nurtured

students memorizing, when they should be internalizing

teachers preaching, instead of coaching

politics

ah, the dire state of the singapore education system. wonder if its the same elsewhere? if its the same elsewhere, i dont really have a case for complain, do i. and dont tell me china's children are worse off. thats the shittiest arguement in the world, ive seen it being pushed forward as the great defense to a shitty education system, by a dunman high girl, no less. if i am to give that arguement any credit, nigerian children usually dont have much to eat, and ill use that as an excuse to demolish school canteens islandwide.

well, guess im feeling all shitty.

no im not. im not feeling shitty. i WAS feeling shitty, but not anymore. im just bored out of my skin. which could explain why youre reading this, tho not fully. i had something to say. but before i get to that.

swimming is fun! swam 3 times this week, monday tuesday and friday. could get used to this swimming thing. going again tomorrow, and tuesday if i have a say.

and this whole week's basically been guitar and swimming. guitared 4 times, swam 3 times. ponned quite a few lessons and all that. quite bad of me, really. and i still owe one assignment.

anyway. if youre dying for a ticket to the abovementioned guitar concert, please sms me. haha. im out of tickets, will need to go get more tomolo. i think the sales were really not so bad. anyway. today got one ticket to joyce, adelyn, and aster. my mom takes the fourth, yvonne the fifth. if she comes. haha. MAYBE i wont need to get extra ticks. we're almost out, anyway.

anyway class today was very invigorating. as was prelims and worship, but more so the class. i have a feeling we bared all. it was quite, deep talking. very... truthful. so i feel.

(for those who werent there, and have absolutely no idea what im talking about, we were asked to evaluate each other's God-given gifts and to foresee which area each person should be serving in to great effect.)

well, what should stick in my mind for quite a while to come: mel seeing me as a mentor, she says i build deep relationships, not the hi-bye kind; cheryl seeing me doing pa or running the music min from behind; the rest seeing me as a focused (or over-focused) guy who does anything he sets his heart on super well, but tends to neglect other things. and, haha, tim, who sees me as innocent. interesting view.

which was quite interesting, considering i never saw myself as a focuser, i always thot i had the big picture. but, yeah, i guess what they said really hit home. i would really like to be a mentor but my basis in the word is a little weak, i would like to do music min stuff too. guess ill have to work on that, then.

oh, btw, THAT was what i was going to talk about. >>

11-4-04

open up the gates

and let the King of Glory in!!!

muahahaha. what a crazy prelims. always can count on josh to do stuff like that, always can count on him to ask me to chip in as well! thanks bro. had fun praising the Lord in such a fresh way. haha. jerm, me, josh, quite noisy. adelyn, really good job. full stop. no "even for a first timer" thing. really good job.

anyway, was really pished before today. friday had comm meeting, apparently quite a few ppl are depressed and everything. i mean, its like, we cant find joy anywhere. everyone's depressed about something. about underperforming. about too much work, too much school, doing badly. everything. and its really sad. i mean, here are the people who make Godly decisions about where the youth is headed. what to do, where to focus. and yet, we are depressed.

hey, im not saying its bad to be serving and depressed. everyone gets depressed sometime or other, and its like going back to God when you are depressed is one of the hardest things to do in the world. and yet, its the only way out of depression if you are also feeling far from your friends. i guess there is no easy way out of depression, i should know, back in sec 3 or 4 i was seriously hit once. and it took a lot to get back on my feet. and so i know how much it hurts.

anyway, continue to struggle in the face of this. the mouse that kept struggling made butter and got out in the end, or so they say. maybe he just died tired. but i have this feeling appealing to God will work for all of you. so, please do. you are in my prayers.

saturday was alright, lots of music practice, cramped fingers, blistered fingertips, aching back. its alright. had a pretty nice time talking to adelyn again, cos its been a while since we actually talked. >>

6-4-04

well, why am doing this to myself over her

i dunno. g just has this effect on me. really strong, and it hurts. or would, sooner or later. and the truth of val's testimonial on my friendster is starting to bite.

anyway, thinking about this cos of the bloody large amounts of luck ive been having lately. cant even say it was luck lah, maybe fate. fate? what a shitty word to blame my predicament on. anyway, im SUPPOSED to tell her how i feel tomorrow. or today, as the bell just struck midnight. i dunno if i'll have the guts, but hey, i wasnt one to be usually shy about things like this.

anyway.

starting to listen to rock. have to choose a song for the comm item for the guitar club concert which is like in less than a month. anyway. i hate rock. even tho the guitar is like, quite then nice. i mean, cant they learn how to sing better? the more rock it is, the worse they sing, except for the precious few, like say papercut or something. as you can probably tell by now, i dont really like rock, and dont really know the genre well.

oh! on a completely separate note, studying feels good! i mean, it feels good in the way that if i continue to study at the same pace as the fastest (meaning, most studious) person out there, no one should be able to catch up with me. as they say, i just need to start studying. and i have! serious. i just... need a few days to get these legs all sorted out before i start running, ok? gimme a little time to get used to the rhythm.

aikido rules! yeah. will practice that hard too. even tho i sweat like super little during the trainings. and it really is a lot of discipline for now, and less technique and all that. but i think the discipline thing? i should internalize that. IF it doesnt give me indigestion. >>

2-4-04

we are 3 months late for christmas

i am, of course, referring to the interesting sight when a lot of tjc ppl in their blazers come within close proximity of a lot of njc ppl in their blazers. apparently for a farewell ceremony of the director general of education who quit yesterday. (what a day to quit. "i quit" "youre joking, right?" "happy april fools!" "youre fired"?)

anyway we did ok. just very soft. i think ppl at the back couldnt hear us cos the miking was really bad. i mean, tjc ava can do a better job with the mics.

anyway, feeling sick of guitar now, having spent a good 13 hours doing nothing but guitar. and feeling sick of being awake already. going to sleep now, longer blog promised tomorrow...

met shuqin today, if only for a short while. and my luck potential has shot thru the roof today too. >>

1-4-04

truth is public domain

not THAT truth!

In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,

plus three times the square root of four,

divided by seven,

plus five times eleven,

equals nine squared and not a bit more.

haha lame maths jokes to tickle the mind and kill maths failures. like me! lol. still couldnt pass, hit 48. so chems at 60 and physics is at 68. pretty acceptable by everyone's standards expect those who really know me, and me, and my dad.

oh well. tomorrow's the day. i dont have to attend classes, but will need to practice a lot of guitar tomorrow. quite interesting really, but will be let off damn late, and all that. apparently, i think my only consolation is that ppl will be there. i think we have a decent chance of impressing. anyway...

its been a rather developmental yet boring week. stuff has happened to me, but im still rather bored... >>

28-3-04

eh, im a better choice lor

was what i wanted to say. anyway, didnt say cos dont know her so well yet. or cos i had no guts. which is quite unlikely, considering the way ive been behaving the past 3 months or so.

anyway, so it came to pass that G liked R. haha. dun think things will go thru G thot it would, cos K really isnt a guy you ask out (tho he may be a really nice guy to bring home to the parents) (unless youre not a christian or something) yeah. hope this didnt give out too much info, i hope no one reads into the letters too much. they are designed not to be read into. haha. will turn them into real letters if the truth ever becomes public domain, dont think it will, tho.

why not me instead? haha. im a nice guy too.

but thats for another (very egoistic) day. as val said, i was in need of a ego boost, here it was, K is liked by chio girl. i guess im about in the same likeability category, so well. for now, my mouse is running out of batt (you can actually feel it getting sluggish) so i should stop here.

or not :D

haha. today didnt go to church. sad really, cos was planning to turn up at adelyn to give her the big surprise... it was rather nice. i quote my brother, adelyn cried, so must have been touching (or at least nothing she expected). she WAS expecting something. weird that the big surprise was that i was not there. i thot i maybe could at least drag myself out of bed, but no, the ankle injury from the leg weights and the runny nose from yesterday kept my firmly down like my leg weights themselves.

anyway was reading up online about leg weights and how they affect the body. all the medical ppl say leg weights will cause injury. all the sports people say they will maximize burn and build muscle. which is it? or is it both? however, the consensus is that injury can be minimized if the weights are built up slowly or if the workload is low. so i guess just walking around with them for now is ok. wont be playing soccer with them any time soon, i guess.

oh well, ankle injury is ok, it was those sort of injury a "crack" would have solved, a dislocated ligament or something like that. hope no swelling develops or it means ive torn it. but that should be painful, not relieving. now feeling the unpain, the feeling that comes from long staying pain being relieved. sort of feels good. wonder if this is what sadists live for. i guess not.

well, new timetable tomorrow. i end on 350 on mondays, and get a 1230 letoff on tuesdays. pretty ok about the change, ive got about the same number of free periods as usual, which means about double everyone else's, but i also end later, which has been the story of my life and my 3-subber classmates since time began. anyway.

wondering aloud if gina, shuqin, adelyn, yuting, hulin, aster, shuzhen are reading this. >>

26-3-04

hi shuqin

well, one more person introduced to my (psychotic mess i call a) blog. anyway... welcome the humble abode of my nighttime mind. please enjoy your stay, and dont try to finish reading all this stuff in a single sitting, youre going to fry your brain (and make me very uneasy about the way you know me the next morning).

well, the commons are finally over, maths was standard, but for me i think im going to die, physics was ok and i think im going to scrape thru, chem was tough, but i think i may still scrape. or not im going into probation. which is a scary thought. dun want my parents to see the principal. or to even hear what im doing in school.

on thursday, after chem, had dinner then went to pengsiang's house to fix his com... took quite a while, and when i finished it was 1130 and i was in pasir ris... so i had to take a cab back, and it cost i think 23 bucks or something like that... haha. but you see, i do owe him favours, i think, so i think this may be considered payment. im not so nice usually. haha.

anyway yah lah. was feeling grumpy the whole of the commons week because it was the first week gina was in tj and i didnt see her at all! haha i think thats a miserable reason to be grumpy but im an unreasonable person :D anyway finally saw her on thursday just before chem... and then became quite happy (quite hyperactive, in fact). saw her again today, so feel like the curse is broken. as in, the curse of blindness...

haha. today, im quite happy, had guitar in the morning and we finally finalized EKN to an acceptable (or almost) standard of performance. or anyway, i know how to play it now and dont really have to sight read anymore... which was quite scary just now haha.

and just received news that the rejudging of the NOI gave me a bronze. and i think nearly the whole of the tj team got bronzes, and daryl got his COP upgraded into a silver. really quite interesting, not bad at all. more points for my pearls, i think. anyway it looks better lah. haha. >>

20-3-04

maybe you should stop giving people wrong impressions

the first time someone said that to me, and i actually took it seriously. hrmmm. wonder why, considering val has been trying to drum into my head all this while that the rolling stone gathers no moss. well, this is an expression badly used, but it does convey the meaning.

i mean, and she means, that if i never make up my mind, i cant expect girls to make up their mind about me. which is odd, cos i never did want them to make up their mind. i mean like, if you made up your mind, there's only one way you can go, away... (more about this tomorrow)

anyway, going thru the past week, its sort of been hectic and then damn slack, like all holidays should be, hectic gaming then slacking to study. of course, studied fatally little these past few days, but i got some noble excuses up my sleeve, "guitar committee", "church" and "other commitments". which are, of course, complete excuses.

cough. anyway, had planned for a nutcase beginning of the hols, from a (sunday) church > youth chalet > nusguitarconcert > youth chalet (monday) > 2504 chalet > church chalet (tuesday) > synergiz > 2504 chalet (wednesday) > guitar > lunch with liying.

of course after i packed and left for the youth chalet, and during the nus guitar performance (which was damn good, btw) they sort of told me that guitar was on tuesday. so, lacking any good alternative, i sold my synergiz ticket to joel. didnt exactly mess up my plans, but did give me a bit of free time to go gallivanting all over again, haha, which of course gets me into trouble.

anyway at the youth chalet i almost treated aster as yvonne, which is damn scary. (now you want to go back a few months and get an idea of what me and cousin do... rather,,, odd, for a cousin-cousin relationship) anyway, i was restraining myself. a bit lah, had a good talk tho, even tho i was trying to study after that and aster was looking really tired with all the eyebags and everything.

and all that time adel was feeling very far away... didnt really get to talk to her the whole chalet, even tho that really was on my "must fulfill" agenda for the chalet. odd. was trying to, really. didnt even get to yeah, do the thing for her.

anyway. the wheel spins.

well, guitar was ok, i guess the reality is starting to bite that we cant make the 17th april cut, so we are pushing for 23rd, i think, and that will be that. if we cant get it, guitar concert will be really bad. considering we wont be able to get much practice in the commons week.

which is what im supposed to be studying for now anyway, haha.

ok right. back to the blog. anyway the 2504 chalet was damn nice, dunno how come i feel so close to them as a gang, i have this feeling sometimes im not really welcome, but those times i siam, so i think its ok... i can easily hang out with the guys, girls haha also ok... and had a lot of fun there. hee.

i mean like, cycling, mahjong, talking, laming, sitting around, sleeping together, walking thru the park... i mean like, so much exposure those few days. and maybe only a few of you know what im talking about, but i feel sunburnt. too much star material... haha. ok maybe you dont get this.

aiyah, my og is chio lah, ok... haha...

on a completely complete side note, gina made it without appeal! whoot. and that makes a damn good chance of her ending up in 2504. which is good. WAYYY good. haha.

which is less than what i wanted to say, but more than what i want you to read. haha. i will remember enough from what im writing, tho, so this still sort of functions as a diary. ha. writer's license. >>

1-3-04

touched by an angel, seared for life

ah. i got 3 minutes. haha. anyway, aster is super cute (this is for you aster, haha) anyway yeah talked to quite a few ppl today, including but not limited to adelyn, aster, lynette, siti, raj, and yeah these ppl lor.

the big contrast between the ppl in j1, rushing to see if they can stay and everything, and classmates of those who may go trying to do everything they can, and those significantly more happy, cute, fluffy "others". quite sad. i dont know how to chat with someone who is happy and someone who is downcast at the same time...

anyway.

going back a few days, mardi gras was a huge hit, very nice, very nice beginning performance, or so ppl think, (ps doesnt think so, i think she lost the beat somewhere). very good guitar performance, had lots of audience and all... and a very nice concert of sorts at the rock wall. guess what? i was there too. basically a lot of running around and stuff, doing av here, trying to get mikes working there, playing guitar here, socialising with juniors there... and all that. liying's gotta be the one who stays in my memory most that night, unless you count gina, who, haha, is going to make it into tj. i think... big boon to the average chio level in tj :D

haha i shall not spout more nonsense. ppl read this blog. anyway i think my 3 minutes is up, shall be nice and give my brother the computer. >>

25-2-04

did i say it was going to be nuts?

well it was. a full dress rehearsal combined with a musical rehearsal, combined prac. enough to be killer without having to end at 930, but that is the icing on the cake of crap. not even enough time to sms adelyn... sorry girl... tired man...

reached home at 11, in completely no mood to study for chem LT tomorrow. i find it weird how they want us to go to school more than for us to study, im sure if i ponned school tomolo to really study chem they wont like it. shouldnt they? after all, its a school, a place for learning, not like an office where certain numbers of hours have to be clocked in... anyway. its a regimental organisation.

anyway, planning on getting to school on time tomorrow, so wont be blogging so much today. which means i should stop now lah... >>

24-02-04

caught you

haha! caught you. and good, you read my blog too. so i can post freely here knowing you will read it... eventually. haha.

anyway, supposed to blog about the saturday, didnt have time to do so cos was really tired on that day and on sunday. yeah wanted to blog about sunday too.

saturday was really quite enjoyable... even tho it did start out with the run. i did 27:47, which i think is really quite a good timing for 5 km. anyway think it was my best. didnt walk at all throughout, which is a great improvement considering i usually walk on a 2.4 and still can do pretty well (a D lah, but still good enough)

anyway after that went shopping for the bbq, with fungus, huimin (ooo) and other ppl. haha ok i really think she has the chio face. but anyway.

 bbq was ok. met some new (?) people. one year 2 also, the very fit looking girl. didnt know she was so approachable. or friendly. yeah more friendly than approachable... was touched by the presents (after you guys bluff me lah! wha lau) anyway... thanks for everything. the food, the drinks, the drink, and all the fun i had.

sunday was also good, was in the same quiz group as adelyn, had a bit of fun, answered 2 questions from the stockpile of info built up only the night before, i think we may win the game. anyway, had fun.

tommorrow will be nuts, tho... >>

23-2-04

just saying hi

God made the spaces between our fingers for someone willing to fill up the spaces between them... >>

15-2-04

birds gotta fly

i gotta blog. tho it doesnt seem, that way, does it. not with the long wait, apparently.

but this grey square calls out to me whenever im on the computer, and i guess i gotta satisfy it sometime or other. with everyone offline now, and only 10 more minutes for me to use before my brother comes barging into the room demanding the use of the computer for the rest of the night, i guess i'll pen down wateva is in my head and scram.

the week was quite bad... on the weekend we had a youth comm meeting and i think i decided there and then to drop art, on tuesday i made the move and asked nordin to send out the subject withdrawal forms...

i guess its time to drop and move on. even tho some people may tell me to continue, i know myself and mrs neo knows me too. as do the other art students. anyway neo was damn cordial about it. at least i still feel she's my friend and all. and im still welcome at the art room, which is damn good, cos i wouldnt know where to go otherwise...

and felt all the more better for dropping art. even tho i feel like ive betrayed quite a few people.

anyway friday was a good day... was running around school making dedications and all, and had to buy a sleeveless on wednesday just to wear on friday... had a nice tattoo done too... and quite tired after runnign around and all, but quite satisfied as still could see my juniors for so long... and the 12 stringer took my fingers off. really hurt. anyway.

really had to rush to make the appointment, and it was a rather satisfying 2 and a half hours of talking there... and even tho it wasnt the actual day im glad i had the gift on hand...

saturday was a more standard day, even tho it did end very late... cos went down to liauw's shop to pick up a score, then went with huilin to buy string at bras besah. i was there for a different type of string, of course... bought some composites, wondering what they are now.

anyway will get to try then tomolo.

and yvonne suprised me with a visit on val day too. came to deliver the 12 stringer yimin found. and of course rock hard abs are searing across my memory again. haha.

the 12 stringer is nice. even tho it still only is a 11 stringer now.

my typing skills are improving. >>

8-2-04

the bushido

hrm. after what i typed on friday today's sermon really stabs where its needed (and where it hurts)

and of course other things hurt. like how you disappeared without saying goodbye...

it was a ok day. tick goes the clock. >>

6-2-04

the colour of a second

is brown, or so ive decided. going to change the webbie layout to something pratchett inspired, the thief of time. so you should see something here by the next update. altho if im damn tired it could still fizzle out.

died for art today, seriously didnt have enough to show and enough to do, if neo had 8 hands we would all have been strangled at the same time... and after that stayed back just to show her that i cared, even tho i didnt have any concrete stuff to do. and fell asleep. quite promptly indeed. oh well.

didnt have much sleep yesterday. the brain tension experiment had taken its toll, and i was returning concentration points to pay back the deficit the caffeine had drawn up. all in all, i was a zombie during most of school, even tho i did improve in timing for the 3.6.

since i was feeling depressed a while back (not too long back) i was pondering about the meaning of happiness in the Christian context. i know we gain our eternal happiness in Christ, and serving Him should give us pleasure enough, but does that mean to say we should not enjoy earthly happiness as well? is it possible to have both eternal happiness in God as well as a temporal happiness in your fellow man?

this seriously disturbed me, it almost said that Christians cant have earthly fun. >>

5-2-04

brain tension experiment

experiment start - triple expresso. so thick it could hold my spoon straight up in the cup.

today, didnt go to school. overslept. did some surfing, downloaded some art stuff, played a bit. then went to school for chem S. was late. asked ps to take attendance for me. she didnt know what i was talking about. sad. thats one more missed day. im gonna get kicked out soon. guitar was ok. im still doing fine, even tho ive no time to practice at home. and no guitar too, apparently.

had dinner with huilin. got to know her a bit better, but not much, really. talk was a bit airy fairy.

started doing overdue article reviews. went online to look up an article. chatted a bit.

supposed to be doing art now, then.

blogged.

experiment end - brain snapped >>

4-2-04

compulsive downloading disorder

everything i can get my hands on...

anyway today was quite bad. slept damn late. almost died today, and there wasnt a single lesson i could pon and go to the lounge and sleep cos i only went to sleep at 3 am yesterday night...

guitar was alright. but had to pose for some newspaper ppl. quite funny, and my og seriously still rocks. :D so funny... thot you guys would be stones man... but actually quite good. :D must be like that for the real thing ok? haha...

and received a email from adelyn. i will need to work on it, alright? give me some time. i'll give myself some time...

im going to sleep. havent done any real work. and friday is d-day for art. >>

3-2-04

better than fine

it was a screwed up day. if it was so screwed up, why am i so happy? the power of a single person over my mood is actually rather scary. >>

2-2-04

the futility of it all

sometimes i wonder why i bother, why i care, why i do it at all. sounds like its going to be a long blog huh. im going to do the subconscious thing again, im just going to type and type, but im going to keep it grammatical. im basically going to stone at the keyboard, but i have a pretty good idea of what im going to say anyway, was rehearsing it in my head the whole day...

woke up in the morning and realized i had a dream... a dream about adelyn and some other people, cant remember who. remember it was a very shaky dream, logically flawed. anyway usually when i have dreams like that i rush to my computer and blog it out quick so that it doesnt get lost. but i think i fell asleep again, and the only thing i can remember now about the dream is that it existed. and feeling raw inside, as tho someone had sanded my heart down.

then went online in the morning... decided out of nowhere to access honlyn's class' blog, even tho i havent accessed it in months. and then i saw this funny link. on hon. usually there's no link, cos there's no blog right? wrong. there was a blog. a huge blogger she was. blogs like me. on my good days. a whole great deal to read thru even tho she only started 3 months ago. obviously i started reading. took about an hour or so to finish it. as in from the start to the end.

and then i realise two things. one, she's human too. the other, i should give up there and then. and so i did. i did have the intention to do so quite a while back, dont know what was holding me, even up to so long after we last met i am still holding on to those straws of memories...

she is rather funny tho.

quite comical, just like real life.

wonder why im not this depressed fool lumbering about in school. im not sure. or maybe i am! dont know.

i also consider the fact that if anyone suddenly took an interest in my life or in me he/she (i hope she than he) she would have to read thru an enormous amount of (mostly) crap, completely irrelevant to how i act now, except that its shaped my memories and how i may act in the future. weird. when someone memorizes parts of your blog, she holds part of you in her heart. thats what i feel. she knows how you feel about certain things, how you feel about certain people, what you did, what you said...

thats actually quite scary.

oh well. also left my phone alone for too long today. picked it up and there were all the standard messages i miss, like one from val, another from a guitar club year 1, (this is so predictable, isnt it?) but what perked me up (and brought me down) was the surprise sms from adelyn... which was a nice touch, if my day was a tapestry.

it would also be a nice touch on a very badly woven rag. in which case its beauty is all the more brought out (and at the same time, covered up) (am i making sense?)

i need sleep. and then again, i dont. my body needs it but my mind does not. or is it the other way round? feeling wide awake. should go get a sugar rush, then go to sleep. im also working on a new layout for this blog. its too... simple. >>

31-1-04

why dont you understand

even tho im in the same situation as you... think about it... or do you really choose to avoid the fact... that your pain is my pain doubled. cos its my pain for you and my pain for the lack of you... do you not see? i am in the same situation as you squared. can you not tell? do not i mean anything to you at all?

ah. i am feeling better. doesnt mean im feeling good, im just feeling better from the emotional trauma i was subjected to yesterday... argh. hrmmm. secret destroyed at my feet. it stops here. it will not spread. its scent will not be detected 2 inches from me. cross my heart and hope to die of a broken one. it is a case closed.

except between you and me.

why?

nvm.

why are ppl so fake. why do ppl put up appearances. i try not to, but when i show my true personality some ppl are frightened by it. is that why ppl put up fronts, cos they want to be accepted? what if everyone's putting up a front? arent we all screwed then? screwed by our own cowardice to be who we really are...

i admit im not myself all the time. im really just a very sad old bugger pottering around waiting for his time to come, someone very desperate for human affection. but i put up an act some of the time. and it drains me. if it drains me the same way its drains other ppl, why do we continue to torture ourselves? learn to accept others as they are and you will learn to be accepted as you are. if your group does not, i guess its time to find another group.

but all that is airy fairy talk if i dont follow my own saying, right.

im tired. tired of life.

today had guitar prac. understaffed. WAY understaffed. one guy per room, handling a good 30 plus 40 ppl. taught as we went. at least most of the year ones made an effort. my group can strum well enough. work needed tho, and they know that, and they are on enough to want to practice on their own. first time ive seen that in guitar peeps. a dawn of a good start. syf is a taxing run.

after that had lunch with some councilors. got misunderstood by huilin for taking a taxi with val to pp, met estella (or is her name ester) (anyway she's the damn cute one lah) at pp and decided not to go to bras besah to buy my art stuff today... cos i was out of money... so in the end ended up sharing a cab with val for nothing, cos it takes longer to get home from pp than it does from tjc... but at least met someone familiar i could talk to...

came up with another saying of great meaning. forgot it again. damnit, i need a jot-book.

anyway, i feel like committing ritualistic suicide of consciousness now. good night. >>

30-1-04

moodless to blog

i saw. im sorry.

i have the password, remember... sigh... why...

please, dont blame me for looking in. i really didnt mean to. and i hope youre not talking about me, cos i dont "like" anyone else... but i dont think you would have had that impression.

sighhh. why must things always turn out this way.

had music practice today. today my two bass fingers took my fourth finger to have an experience of pulling that string... with the intention that 3 fingers bassing puts less stress on each finger than for 2 finger bassing. but the end result is that i have a blister on my fourth finger now. sighhh. i realise how dead my bass fingers are to pain... when the fourth finger screams bloody murder along my nervous system and the other two fingers are like, "what are you complaining about"...

was feeling philosophical today. i actually came up with a saying that made so much sense when i came up with it. but voila! i forgot it the moment i fell asleep in the bus. damnit. i could be lewis no 2.

actually, i dont really feel like blogging now. too much on my heart. got guitar tomolo, COULD have gone for CIP... and yeah but no... no matter how big the draw, i have my OBLIGATIONS to the club. you know how difficult this is for me. i could be free on valentine's. i could be selling flags today, the same day as you/her.

sighhh. >>

29-1-04

deathbed

im dying with all my close ones around me... or those i view as close anyway... val, adelyn, huilin was here, and dah dah dah... my brain is slowly retreating into itself and melting away...

i need some sleep.

last night, i had coffee, and couldnt sleep well until this morning. slept during chem lecture, decided to go to the lounge to sleep off physics lecture. did a world of good for today. or not i would have died. but now im sleepy. >>

28-1-04

effing piece of shit

my dad comes along and starts slapping my side, 20 minutes after i get to use the computer, telling me to get off. for a good 5 minutes he stands down there, slapping my side (and not that it doesnt hurt), and i dont mutter a word. it makes him happy only, and im afraid i'll blow there and then. and so he moves off, and goes and picks his teeth with a toothpick and i thot, thats better. knows when he's not wanted. then he comes back and pokes me with the toothpick.

this time i blow. "can you just go away?"

and then he scolds me for showing him an attitude!

what is this world coming to?

and why am i surprised? its not the first time this happened, and definitely not the last. i wonder how i put up with it. or how i dont, apparently, from the way i blow... but i guess there is absolutely no way for me to open up to him as my dad. no way. i gotta move as soon as i can. i cant handle this hypocrisy.

anyway, the day wasnt too bad, was looking forward to it all week, there was only 2 pracs and a lecture, so had quite a bit of break, had wow, remind me to reprint the badge...

and of course guitar, which was worse than i imagined, but since i had a very rosy view of what it could turn out like i guess it still could be rather ok. i need more manpower to teach the year ones, this bunch is seriously not equipped to handle the large numbers.

and we taught almost nothing today. they are still stuck at C Am F and G, and some are not even there...

i guess I have to go and print out the chord list thingy. its so much easier to teach with that???

val's on the phone with remus now, i am sidelined. go val. adelyn, have a good rest. >>

27-1-04

bzzzt.

electric chair. ha. no, not really, just felt like the word.

was feeling like crap today cos i miss guitar and all the ppl i got to know there... so near yet so far. luckily tomolo's a short day, but its still 2 pracs in a day and that can really get to you. especially when its all the pracs in the week in one day. argh. pracs introduce little green men into your head and fill your lungs with chemicals that would make sewage reek in disgust.

i havent seen adelyn online today. hrm. oh yeah, she has training. >>

26-1-04

technocratic communism

is the way to go. the computer decides for the nation the big decisions, and communism in its purest form is practiced by the people. oh well. was discussing this with val and yazid.

well... finished early today. and went for lunch with yazid and val, and had a time talking the way there and the way back, talking about many things... yazid seriously just drives me nuts :D and val too, of course. as in yazid drives val nuts, not that val drives me nuts. oh well.

i bought metal slug 5! ha.

apparently, i decided out of the blue to embark on this subconscious thingy. i just type what comes to mind. and leave it for you guys to browse. its not going to make much sense as a whole, but i guess it says more than i can in an entire blog.

this is my subconscious speaking

val nuts screws why do i bother argh itchy hrm adelyn argh speak to me evonne where are you i touch when hrm air rifle guitar peisze puisze argh i rocks damnit im getting wet life rockz foreva why do i bother im too nice argh come back to me honlyn argh wilted rose why reply is it you hrm i dont want to bother you evonne hold you in my arms sighhh lit project in my way homework art environment hug a tree save a life help why wont you reply why didnt you reply i miss you i havent seen you in a week pls be frank tell me what you want clown im a damn bloody clown with no red nose rudolf santa looks evil like that god of wealth adelyn argh sms bass derrick playing drums wicked aura i wanna teach i am inadequate help peisze why wtf school argh so far away its late i need some rest i need coffee i need coke sugar ice bzzzt

well. that was weird. my fingers were moving, but i basically shut rational thought out (or threw it out of the window) and you may argue that im not really rational anyway, but this is when it gets really bad. i guess you can peruse that for now, more coming up next time with more... traditional blogs too. :D >>

25-1-04

youre not the only one

you never are. >>

24-1-04

coin in the air

feelings in the balance

this COULD be a long blog. or maybe not.

SIGH...

well. those i want to chat to, are offline, not replying, or have to go offline damn soon. those i dont want to chat to, are bombarding me with crap. pssst.

went to church today for music practice, went 2 hours early cos went with my mom so that we could take a cab... so spent the first hour reading christian magazines cos chiyon was sleeping in the room with the drums. then after that he woke up already so started playing drums. in a weird way. more like a samba than a standard 44 timing beat. so i was there hitting drums for a good 45 mins, my arms hurt when i started bassing. :D

anyway bass practice was not too bad, still got my touch, so yeah.

after that headed down to aunt's place for dinner... was ok, borrowed a few playstation games for the new setup of playstation we have in our room (me and my bro's). yeah. was rather difficult getting to the place, it being dark not helping, it being raining not helping, and me carrying the bass amp not helping... it got wet... i hope it doesnt spoil... i take superb care of that baby normally... >>

22-1-04

blogger's block

i am being scolded on new years day. for trying to be a yamakasi. i jumped over a balcony's railing. the balcony was about half a story high. and as i jumped, i stepped on the rail to give myself extra lift. and they think i tripped. or almost. and my dad says im completely talentless, and my mom called me humpty dumpy (even tho i did manage a very perfect non-roll landing)

i wonder whats their problem. why do the never give support in this area. in any area even. i think they like my younger brother for his physical talents, and probably wrote me off long ago as some physical anomaly with brains. and not much of it, even.

as you can probably tell, this is going to be a rather long blog. phenomenally long, i hope, going back to the glory days of 1000 word posts being the bare minimum. i have lots to say.

oh well. when was the last time i blogged? i know the first night i did not blog was the night adelyn will probably remember, whether for good or for bad. i hope for good, even tho im not having my hopes too high. well more about that later... or not. since today is thursday... i havent blogged since monday... which is the day that? i did what? i cant remember. not anything in school, anyway. just some running around doing guitar stuff, yes, that was it. oh yes, and i ended super early, so went for lunch with val, first time in a very long time... and like got home rather nice and early, had a lot of time to rest and then go online...

tuesday was hectic, even tho we were supposed to be released early... cos i had to go to the national library to do research for art, and like we spent so much damn time in the library we were almost late for the carnival... and since we had the prez of the students council as well as a house captain with us it was big shit... ppl were calling us when we were in the bus and stuck in a jam and everything. basically we spent more time in art than we do for normal art lessons...

tuesday was also the day we went to eat tuan yuan fan, had to leave early during the carnival just to do that... and quite pissed about it cos i couldnt see my juniors having fun, i couldnt see val get dunked and cos i hadn't seen enough of peiqi yet. (i didnt say that) anyway yeah had to leave early.

the tuan yuan meal is traditionally held at my grandma's house now, and she's the head of the house since my granddad died... my parents say she is very stubborn, wanting to do all the cooking... so she did... she was cooking like bamboo shoots, lobster, sharks fin, two types of duck, fried prawns and everything... and like everything was super rushed for her, and so the food wasnt that good (even tho the ingredients were very expensive - my uncle doesnt mind spending on good food) yeah... wasnt really talking much either... watching a lot of tv, and sitting around a lot... but i usually dont talk during these things anyway...

wednesday was a brief respite from all the things... started the day with some really well planned games and nice food prepared by eugene, weiqin, raz and yongda and a few others... had the fish thing as well (which i would go on to eat like 5 times this season) which was not bad. at least some of us talked and all of us had fun...

had a mini concert by charles too... i guess he has found his calling... i hope he joins the competition write singapore's next national song, cos his song is really not that bad. and he was on tv too. even tho he feels that singapore sucks (its the system, really... looks horrible from the bottom) i guess he can really write lyrics.

after that, stayed back in school to watch charles and donghao do a bit of breaking, i was practicing another yamakasi move, the jump over railing with one leap thing... land on floor and roll... the same thing i did today which got me scolded anyway. yazid was also there, and i was trying hard to get him to move, and when he moved i was absolutely late.

i commented about this to val. i think that if yazid likes to make me wait (or make ppl wait) and i get irritated by it, i wonder how ppl feel if i make them wait (and this i do pretty often). if ppl annoy me with pestering, with weird expectations, with scoldings for things i do not do, should i tell them in the face to f*** off? or should i accept it? cos if i dont tell them, they'll continue to bug me. and potentially other ppl. so im actually doing the world a service right? and being mean at the same time, yeah.

oh well, val, being val, says to just put up and act and just accept it and act as tho nothing is wrong (even tho im potentially boiling inside) im not sure. im not like val, i dont even like her philosophy, which is to take many things lying down. so how am i do settle things amiably?

put up an act, i guess. for now.

well back to the thing... after that yazid and i went to vjc to pick up his girlfriend and siva... and then i took a bus to ri. being super damn late and all, almost everyone had gone home, and i was left with a few faithfuls... actually, only yunfoong.

anyway went to lan, found terence, brought him to lan too. so the 3 of us had this mini world war in the plaza sing district. generals is not that bad a game, even tho i can almost swear westwood will never get it, get what blizzard has... the magic formula.

and then went home. which was not a bad idea, slept a bit that day, and slept rather well at night also.

this could potentially be a damn long blog. im sorry.

ok on thursday (thats today) i was abruptly woken up by my dad unexplainably holding my drumsticks and doing a drumbeat on my abs and my hip. my first thot was, today's going to be a f-ed up day. and it was, in several aspects. got scolded for sleeping in already.

when the relatives came, even tho i really like them and we had spent many a happy moment together, i wasnt all that excited to meet them again. max was locked up in the room cos my aunt's muslim, and so i was in the room accompanying him... and i was just continuing my game of civ 3 rather peacefully. i was also keeping the damn dog's mouth shut. he likes to make a lot of noise when visitors he's not supposed to touch come.

anyway, got scolded for that. when i came out to see who was here (not everyone was) they were eating already. i expected to come out and eat together, but no, no, they cant even call me, and then they tell me not to touch the computer in that scolding voice. so embarrassing, and its not like im stuck to the computer or anything, its just that not everyone's here right?

oh well. later dad comments about that thing over food when im sitting next to him... like im some computer crazed fella. when's the last time i had some quiet time to really play on the computer? never, actually. it was always preparing for the next exam. the next year, the next school...

sigh. such is life, it likes to kick you in the shin. or make you walk into japanese tables.

dinner was spent at my aunt's place, and the redeemer for today is that she's got a new dog, a small runt of a jack russell who is damn cute... less than a foot long i think, just a baby. max was chasing him all over the place, guess he doesnt know how to relate to smaller dogs (just wants to have fun, yeah, like how a professional wrestler would play with you in a playground)

oh well. just simply had to blog today... my memory was running out of space and i was running out of hard drive to save all those memories. not that any were good, that is, but there was one or two monumental statues erected on the timeline of aaron, statues that could change my destiny forever. or for a time, anyway. even tho they may say <the dumbest thing he did in a while> in hindsight, i guess the only way to learn if something will kill you is to try. which has been my philosophy all my life. well, one of my philosophies. another is dont drink milk in the morning, but you dont have to know why i have these, just know they exist :D

oh well, that was my past... 4 days, in almost exact chronological order. if you made it this far without skipping, go see a psychiatrist. >>

18-1-04

stomp

is better. i thot wickedaura was good. sigh. oh well.

adelyn's back! :D had some time to talk to her, feeling quite happy about that, usually its quite hard to find time like that... oh well. take care girl.

val online today, which was like quite nice but it was rather interrupted chatting... at least still managed to talk a bit.

im going back to listening to liquid tension experiment, cos just download a new song, "when the water breaks". well hourglass is still my favourite.

today was weird, im feeling rather iffy. as in, i dont really know how to express my feelings now.

tired, but took a nap in the afternoon. maybe thats why im not feeling sleepy now. but i shall force myself to go to sleep. cos ive been sleeping like super late the whole week. and tomorrow there'll be a lot of running around again i guess. but this is life.

going to sleep now. of course, not without first doing my QT. (uh oh. homework not done, DIE)

still praying for you, stay healthy, stay happy, and dont let what ppl said today affect you. i know it can. >>

17-1-04

wicked aura

they are bloody good. go check them out at wickedaura.com. and you can download my compilation of the snippets available here (ok i wanted to put up the file but if one person downloads it i exceed my daily transfer quota so i decided to remove it - msn me if you want it). they are buskers from singapore, i think some may not be local, but they definitely have been here a while. just go and check them out in orchard outside taka every sat. fist time ive seen buskers manage to hold the attention of 100+ ppl at a go (and hold their money too) and even rake out a applause from the audience when they finish (this is singaporean audience, mind you, they don't clap much, not even for national day)

guitar was damn hiong. its like so many year 1s, tchaikovsky couldnt hold the year ones. and mozart couldnt hold the year ones. and so we had to split up, and thats absolutely madness. so many ppl, so few guitars, so we were really at a loss and most of the time was spent running around settling admin. i only managed to teach my side C G F and Am, and serene only managed C. hrm. am i going to fast? serene says her guys cant even hold the C. my side is doing fine... the guys imply im going at a ok speed, cos they DO raise their hands when i try to teach F quickly...

oh well.

hope the program is smoother from now on. and since they will be having their guitars soon, i guess they will be able to improve faster from now on. :D

adelyn's back too! haha. missed her/you man... even tho i caught her only today, i was pretty tired, even she could tell, so im going off soon to do my QT so that i can sleep early so that tomorrow im not so tired and am in better shape to talk :D

oh well. im tired. and i need to do my QT now... hrm. see ya. >>

16-1-04

escapist

life is

too lame

too pain

too tough

too rough

too fake

to take

the only thing worth salvaging

is love

i found this on a table in lt4, or something like it... amusingly i saw it during physic S, which i crashed. im going to try to appeal in again. if not, i think im dropping chem S. see how.

well liauw is really giving us good prices for the guitars, anyway i cant beat him with the music plaza prices, so yeah. guess ill pass the prices around to the year ones tomolo, and see how it goes. this may also be a good time to upgrade my guitar, i think yeah maybe the time is right. the raimundo deal looks quite good.

see if any of the year ones want to buy my guitar or not...

haha... its a good guitar what. see how lor.

oh well, today was a bit better than yesterday, had less lessons and even had time to run over to marine parade to eat whata fish. mmm. not bad lah the food, not bad for its price. and its not too expensive either. which means the food wasnt great, but still passable. :D

chatted with peiqi today! :D yay! haha. quite long never message her already, it could have been a rather out of the blue message...

adelyn, are you back yet? rest well. >>

15-1-04

sleepy

ran all the way to ps today to check out guitar stuff. reached home damn late. and i know why i was let off so early today already. i accidentally forgot about chem S.

damn.

adelyn, i hope youre alright by now. its one more day, if youre not, then well, i wont have prayed for you in vain today. Good bless, and have fun on your last day there... miss ya. >>

14-1-04

zzz

today was so short, yet so tiring! man, this ought to kill me. but i will go on. today guitar year 1s appeared with a vengeance... and nearly killed us. ok guys, sorry it was a bit messy, we just simply werent equipped to handle such a large crowd yeah?

hrm. im damn tired. i just digitised the whole guitar year 1 list. very very taxing on the eyes to type out 80 ppls nric (8 numbers) home phone (8 numbers) and hp (8 numbers). basically a lot of numbers. oh well. at least its done now. haha. going to put it up on the board tomorrow.

and school wasnt that bad today lor. only got chem, and maths lecture, and physics tutorial (which i ponned to handle guitar stuff)

sad. damn tired.

tomorrow's a long day some more. damn it man.

a prayer to ask for good health for you, girl. miss your nightly sms, cos im slipping away again. take care of yourself. >>

12-1-04

work

work and more work. i got stuck in a discussion about whether the imperial army from star wars or the army from star trek would win if they had a cross-series battle when i was supposed to be looking for a structural drawing of a X-wing. its weird how these guys use really really standard physics to justify or shoot down each other when the ships in both shows already can move faster than the speed of light.

but oh well.

i hate it when its easier to find the structural breakdown of the skylab when i cant even find a decent photo of a X-wing from star wars. and im doing all this to appease the restless spirit of the art teacher. some how i think what i have is not enough, i am so going to get it. but at least its better than nothing.

im really excited, cos on wednesday there's og lunch, and there's guitar orientation, and in both i see people i want to see and have been missing. today i saw my darling cg again. also, some of my juniors who wanted to join guitar are now in, when they were rejected the last time. and the guitar board looks great. it looks done by professionals. it was :D anyway it looks professionally designed to look amateurish, with the end result that it looks very homely and that it gives the impression that we are a very fun loving club (not to mention that we like drama a lot)

oh well. tomorrows a shit day, cos there's art and pe and on top of that its a really long day. i hope there's no chem on top of it, i havent done my chem yet. :(

adelyn, a prayer for your health. take care. >>

11-1-04

i can only imagine

i can only imagine

what it will be like

when i walk

by Your side

i can only imagine

what my eyes will see

when your face

is before me

i can only imagine

surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel

will i dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still

will i stand in Your presence or to my knees will i fall

will i sing hallelujah, will i be able to speak at all

i can only imagine

i can only imagine

when that day comes

and i find myself

standing in the Son

i can only imagine

when all i will do

is forever

forever worship You

i can only imagine

well today was good. was wondering if it was possible, explored the possibility today. im not sure. i feel great around her, empowered to do all things. oh well. time, is of the essence. i pose to strike, yet hesitate. i consult, i take and reject advice. i hear stories and get jealous. i see old friends. i make new ones.

im not making sense am i?

wasnt prepared for class at all. even tho i read first tim like 4 times, i didnt write anything cos i didnt feel prepared enough to tackle the (very tough) questions... oh well. sighh. oh and cheryl, you looked great today. super man. :D

worship today was nice. thanks april.

oh well. today went out with ppl 3 years younger than me to ikea to pick up stuff for the guitar notice board. and dah dah dah. ate burger king. then hopped over to queensway to pick up adelyn's shorts, but they didnt sell her type. oh well. i think all they were selling was nike. sad lah. anyway she wanted to go ginza, and i wanted to follow her, but i thot i'd follow clara home cos she was going off and she was alone. oh well. went home then. then met this guy, cheng ann, who was from clara's batch but changed church. so they talked a bit, then he went off, she went off, and i went home. quite standard lah. >>

10-1-04

artillery barrage

too many people have opened up their heart to me. i cannot accept this responsibility. pls, stand back. most of you, anyway. give me some time to assimilate all of you into my online life first, before you start jumping at me.

it CAN be rather scary. yesterday was the worst day of my whole year so far. as in, the day lah, not the night. the day was like my first lesson in 2 months plus, and its been a hectic week already and i didnt need crap. worse, all the nice teachers have gone and been replaced by rather lousy ones, from what ive heard and seen...

ok the night was quite a redeemer, even tho it wasnt as good as the rest of the orientation, i guess. quite draggy with the "games". i think that body parts game should be relegated to the sewers of hell and never brought back. its seriously lousy. i dont know why the council likes it so much. the other game was much better. as in, not to say that it was good lah.

frosty's skit rocked. as in when i see the other skits right, im like, no wonder we got in so easily. of course, its not that theirs is bad, its that ours is good, or possibly both. ours was really superb. and again, the prowess of fungie and caroline in action displayed. ash was also very good, and the dance was much better than before.

at the end, suddenly everyone got very on, and we did quite a few mass dances, and the school song was sung with such strength i have never seen before. the walls were shaking with our voice. now thats scary, especially when its the tjc school song that is being sung.

linus and weizhen look so cute! and sooooo loving. its seriously a very heart warming sight. its like they were made for each other.

today completely zombified. last night stayed over at school, and at 4 am we were mass dancing, so yeah... got a bit of sleep only before guitar meeting. after meeting went home to really sleep well. ahhh...

oh well. was chatting for a bit just now, saw adelyn, saw val, and saw a lot of juniors... just catching up with the regulars was very nice in itself. its been such a long week, im starting to miss adelyn again already. :D

haha, got juniors starting to tag me at the side... thats quite cute... >>

8-1-04

you revive my hope in fellow men

even tho today was quite sian for you guys right...

you guys rule! hahaha. thanks for the pizza man i was seriously going to cry. so touched my heart you did. really really nice of you guys. and i meant what i say ok? i really love you guys! and i hope you guys love me too. and i hope you all love each other and stay together...

no clicks, pls.

too bad its all going to be over tomorrow. i wish it would go on foreva. i wish i could retain and join your class... especially 25/04! you guys seriously rock.

i hope it goes on. fungie, ash, pls hold the class together. go for outings, go for everything... make it until you guys cant even imagine moving apart after first 3 months... haha. and then stick together. and of course, you all can include me :D

love you guys. >>

7-1-04

awwww RIGHT!

heh heh. you guys rock!

wow you really threw us year 2s off our feet when you did that WONDERFUL performance... we loved it! jingying wasnt lying or anything... you all were really so damn good i feel like retaining and taking bio just to join you guys already...

so sad its over... or not really over, but its really almost over. sighhh...

but thats a contented sigh.

man they simply rule, my gang. frost is really wonderful talented and sporting... probably one of the few groups who had props AND costumes... and i was half (actually, whole) expecting that the audience will be super slack and really just sit around at the edge making up the numbers... BUT I WAS SOOOO WRONG! they had banners, pom poms, shakers, newspaper balls to throw at performances they didnt like, wow! and like the people who were involved in the performance were like WOW... costumes perfect, entertaining, dance steps coordinated and everything... for the advertisements, super lame, super dirty, super good! really forced us all to laugh man... for the judges, the costumes RIGHT on target, absolutely recognizable when spoofing someone... especially gay chou! amazing costume there, complete with attitude and on the spot mumbling :D

wow that absolutely rocked. anyway, we got in already.

today was a sunny day, i think i finally got burnt. the skin on my neck hurts like it is raw.

was leading the obstacle course group around today, with most of the guys and 3 girls... was rather quiet, cos i was trying to save my throat while all the people around me are like cheer followers than cheer leaders. but it wasnt that bad. also, the other group had heaps of fun i think.

mass dance finally can make it. i think (im not too sure, cos i was in front) that frost has finally learnt bsb. and possibly sclub. and thats really all i need of them :D i also finally learnt the new song which i said i hated. (ok, agree with me, its really psychomotor!)

after everyone went home and all that (and after i took a quan jia fu picture with the frosties) i stayed around to discuss o-night stuff and help count points... as well as to seriously rest my legs... a bruise is finally visible on my left knee, and it really really hurts when i touch it...

oh well.

went to eat at long johns, the usual me val and yazid trio. a very very weird trio, considering we know each other from different places, not that we 3 were all from the same place...

i may be moving to yazid's during weekdays for the rest of the year... if his parents agree and my parents agree... im supposed to help him out with his chem and physics, and he gives me lodging (not sure about food)...

i hope that works out. i sure could do a lot of things with that 2 hours i save on travel.

og dinner tomorrow. potentially ponning the first part of school, SUPER shack, and the council is doing the same thing anyway. >>

6-1-04

priorities

its 12 am, im dead tired, theres a bed in an aircon room next doors, there's school tomorrow... and im online. so im going to make this short.

well another SUPER long day. but now when i look back at it, it did pass pretty quickly.

i dont think the next batch will have a good grasp of any mass dance at all :( thats really quite sad. maybe we didnt allocate enough time for mass dancing? i remember that last year orientation was seriously intensive mass dance training. oh well. i hope tomorrow's one will catch up so that we at least leave a bit of mass dance with the year 1s before we hit the books.

we the og is amazing... very good leadership thing going on... i fried my throat yesterday so i didnt cheer much, cos i couldnt be heard... but luckily chion took over much of the leader leader job from me today... he was really good at controlling and directing the og's energy. oh well, he sounds like me now, throat completely bust.

i have a serious respect for the leadership capabilities of the rgs prefects. fungus is one, and she's really quite super. along with caroline from 33, we could almost just slack completely once they were selected as cg reps. caroline is pretty good at leading cheers, and fungus is superb at organisation. so yeah, we left the skit all up to them, we havent even seen it. :D

so fungus is the cg rep of 25. i foresee her joining the sc, but of course i dont want that. seriously, dont want that. as in personally lah. ppl change when they join sc. ive typed out the contact list of cg 25 already, and im quite excited to be the sole ogl of this og, and looking forward to a great year ahead... (even tho its the As and all that)

on the complete side note, i rugby tackled val twice today. of course, no points, but very satisfying to take her down so quickly. good to know my ri rugby training hasnt all gone to waste...

anyway, i injured my leg pretty bad today, twisted an ankle on one and bruised the knee and pulled the calf on the other. i think i wont be able to walk much if this carries on. >>

5-1-04

the split second

between the time the stone hits the glass and the song reaches your ears. frozen in time, the cobweb of cracks showing such movement in stillness, such strength in fragility, such beauty in destruction. the stone, frozen in midair as if held by an invisible hand or teetered to the glass by an unseen force, appears as a spider resting in the center of its den. the glass, whole, yet not whole, yet whole again. such a spectacle, that invites your mind to continue down the time line, to see, to observe, the inevitable.

yet it does not happen.

just practicing my descriptive yah?

if its shit, dont tag me and say its shit. if its good, yeah tell me its good :D

im in real need of brushing up my English all over again. its not good to let something like that deteriorate, especially not when i dont have chinese to fall back on...

oh well, to today.

well, one word? pain.

3 words. pain but fun.

well ok the day started out (wow, it seems a long time ago now, is it tuesday? no, its monday) ok... orientation started about 730 on the dot, with all the year1s in their new cgs running in and lining up and everything... quite organised and everything... i think they were like more organised than us...

so we started with all the standard stuff... taking attendance, collecting money, ezlink cards and the stuff... dunno why but got some chemistry with this fung girl from rgs, and later learned that she's like malaysian, and joining guitar, and the likes. we can talk. ok back to the program...

after that was whacko... double whacko, and when the reality that these guys were their classmates i think they started to open up... there are quite a different bunch in that class... 25/04, but i guess differences are what makes groups interesting... yeah.

leading frost was maybe a bigger version of leading that group... it was massive... like 6 ogls taking on 75 people, asking them to do cheers, asking them to move, trying to keep everyone as a group, trying not to leave anyone out...

i lost my voice on the FIRST cheer. that was like shat. cos i was trying to teach them what volume they could go. i WAS louder than the whole cg. and then i ended up frying my throat and i couldnt do it anymore. but i was still loud. throat healing now.

lunch was fine... we had clan lunch, or house lunch, if you may call it... its quite a nice way to just sit together and mix around... oh well... its oging to be the same tomorrow, just that there will be announcements and planning and everything... i should go get ready what we are going to do...

oh well. games were well done, just that its like repetitive the way we keep winning, you know? and the way we keep cheering, and like jumping councilors to bug them for stones...

at the end managed to get fungus's number and like chatted for a while. so maybe this will be another of those friendships. i really need younger friends, feeling too old already.

all in all, quite a fulfilling day. ended off with one paper cut, one overhanging thumbnail, no voice and a lot of satisfaction....

:D >>

3-1-04

chase your dreams

but what are my dreams... is it too little to aim to be an engineer, even tho thats what i love, what i like to do... will it be degrading, shameful, weird to interact with people who are doctors, lawyers, who are at the same time ex-classmates, ex-juniors, friends?

or shall i go against my conscience, my desire, my dreams, and go for a better paying, more recognised job? i dont know, and i dont really want to think about it...

its sad to think that we are all like molecules of water in a river. a current could bring 2 people together, the same current could tear people apart. as a whole, everyone controls how the river flows, but who can individually control where he goes? isnt it up to everyone else where you end up and what you do?

is it really possible to find your true dream?

yes, and no, i think.

which means no.

cos yes it is possible if your dream is to end up in God's arms when the day is done. its also completely up to you, and not up to anyone else... yet, along the path, being in God's arms does things to you...

the true dream, is really God's plan for us. but how do we find that? im sure i havent found God's plan for me... or have i not? im really like leaving a lot of things to chance and everything... like the choice of my school, what cca i join, whatever i do... is up to chance...

or will God orchestrate the chaos? bring order to the messy?

i dont know. ill just bring along saint augustine and chiong and read the Bible. find some hope, some love.

today... i overslept... woke up in the middle of the night... and so i felt like absolute crap when the alarm went off... and my head hurt and everything... so i thot... i dont think they will need me in school... right? i guess... and promptly went back to sleep.

nothing much done today... practiced a bit of guitar, chatted a little bit with adelyn and looked for more songs online... >>

2-1-04

a "minor" problem(s)

i shall list some sad things today...

gina's appeal didnt go thru

plan to go out for dinner fell thru

orientation was damn boring

im damn shack

its only the first day

my webbie is still bugged

adelyn is offline

joyce is offline

everyone is offline

i am a loser

yah... im quite sad that gina's appeal didnt get thru... met mingjoo and she said gina wasnt replying smses or picking up calls... and yuting got in so gina should have gotten in too... but apparently peisze told me that gina didnt get in later... and im also wondering why. could it simply be because she came late for several practices? i wonder. its a big loss to the guitar club tho. i hope she pulls together and gets to TJ after the first 3 months...

orientation was, to put it simply, completely boring. of course i know that they packed all the talks into one day, but somehow it feels draggy... as in... it COULD have been planned better... i think many of the year1s got sore butts today...

at least i had a bit of fun with the year ones in my temporary OG group... a bit of double whacko, a bit of lunching together... basically bumming around a lot... well... i dont know most of them yet, but i saw some of them exchange numbers, so yeah, good sign, at least they may keep in touch...

oh well. it least its over...

guitar practice was especially painful cos i had no nails. playing with phantom nails, which is actually your flesh hardened and ground down to a point so that you can strum and pluck. but it hurts like crap... >>

1-1-04

faithless

me. i am faithless. possibly a candidate for the holy rebuke, "you of little faith" indeed. i need to pray the prayer... i believe, help me overcome my unbelief... oh well...

its a new year... i wonder what this year will entail... will it just be a year of mad mugging, studying and having no life? will it be the opposite, and will i screw up my a levels? will i remain a social loser? or not? maybe? will there be the fire of passion for God blaze, burn or smolder... or worse... be snuffed?

somethings im sure of, somethings im not. its a whole year ahead of me.

its only a year left to be in the youth... wonder how im going to cope upon leaving, going to army, university, working dah dah dah... or is that too far to think? im not sure...

oh well...

its back to school again... back to the days of insane amounts of time traveling... back to the days of superficial friends, unrequited love, putting down your close ones, showing off, running till you drop...

also the days of surviving together, building bonds that last, doing things you love with people you like, looking on at the juniors with a hope too weird to express...

at least i have a week or so to get used to school before all the lectures and tutorials start for me... its going to be quite a shock to my system... cos the hols felt especially long this year... maybe its becos i did more things? met more people?

and by the way, there is no such phrase as "cast in die metal"... maybe in chinese but definitely not in english... my brain's neurons must have misfired... the closest thing to that is die-cast in metal.. which is what i meant in the first place :D my english is going out of the window and down the drain...

and evonne promised she'll keep coming to my concert in mind... :D

ahhh... gina hasnt messaged me yet, i dont know if her appeal is successful... it has to be... right? oh well hope for the best... >>